Monday, May 15, 2006 // 1:03 AM

give up, give in

i don't know what to say anymore. i've consciously discovered the futility of fighting my own thoughts and my emotions, or not even fighting them, trying to contain them, or even know them for what they are. so i don't know what i'm doing, i'll admit it, i don't know who i really am and i don't know how i feel about ________ and ________ and _______. don't ask me because i don't know, or maybe, maybe you would be able to observe an answer in my muddled confusedness, one that i might not have been able to see with my own eyes. pick me apart and enlighten me, my darling, you know i am just wholly incapable of doing it myself.

and i'm going to run around doing things carelessly for a while. i can't take any more over-analyzing, i'm going to explode out of myself. there are a few things i know but don't want to do anything about for now, at least. firstly that i'm a spoilt brat (and linus outlined me very astutely just now), secondly that i'm semi-abusive a friend. it's not what fong said about me taking out my upsetness on people who don't deserve it, it's the fact that i measure friends by how much shit they take from me. is that problematic? sebbie said, but then you'll know who your true friends are, and while i half think so, i also half dont. someday i will take this thought out and look at it again, and try not to over-obsess.

but oh how i do want to soak up gorgeousness, every once in a while. i got another visit to china club today, how i love, i really do. the mellowness of the place, the sheer beauty, and as if that weren't enough, the gorgeous city view 52 stories above ground level. i think the waiters must have thought i was crazy, for my wandering into their empty rooms and sitting there with myself and the view. while the rest of the dinner party goes on elsewhere. i do love. dark rooms, music or people far away, something gorgeous, someone close or just myself to talk to, or to sit in silence with. moody yes i am, but moody can be ever so happy, as well.

moody is a word that will always remind me of marvin. justin is a really nice kid. and i think that's worth a million times more than a witty sense of humour. comics you can buy to facilitate laughter, but all the money in the world won't buy you a single ounce of love.

but pearls before swine really really really makes me happy. as does agnes, to a lesser degree.

and close, things have not been, i have not been, feeling lately. i felt like hugging sebbie today because i can't remember the last time i talked to him honestly. with some people i am just ever so callous, i deliberately Think Too Little for fear of Thinking Too Much. or i am just callous all the general time, my most carefree, prancing around stepping on toes all over the place. knowing that i am but not wanting to care. i don't know what to say. that i want to continue, that i want things back the way they were? i don't know. a friend good enough to take shit from me doesn't really deserve to have his feelings trodden all over. and i'm not okay with the idea of you hurting from something that i said. sigh. i don't know. i just feel like there are things left unsaid, that really do need to be dealt with.

i can't help feeling like some people know the inside of me and not the outside of me, and some people know the outside of me but not the inside of me. which is strange because somehow i don't think the two are really separable at all. somewhere they overlap and somewhere the edges of both sides of the coin wear away into something that is unreal. posturing or a self-illusion.

me trying to find out the expiry date of my passport: ma i need my passport
ma: why? running away ah? elope ah? which boy?
me: ya lorh, sian la now no maid must do housework i better siam first
(ma whips out palmtop and runs through the list of my entire family's passport expiry dates)
me: eh why i last wan?
ma: you most important ma, most important must last wan.

i love my mommie. and not just on mother's day.