Monday, May 08, 2006 // 11:02 PM

i feel really really different from what i was 2 months ago. what is it, what has been going on? identity crisis all over again, so, so maybe i'll never know, maybe i will live in snatches of weeks, days, minutes, moments.

i feel a slight bit older and i don't know why. something on the inside has changed, i think it is partly the talking to kinyip. who i really do think is pretty wise, and whose honesty i appreciate.

and yet at the same time i feel so twisted up in childishness. i've gone back to a Thinking Too Much, to a utter lack of control, over myself. i think the older you get, the less and less you can afford to be wreckless. and i have always wanted to be smart and sane, at least some part of me has. underneath the endless and enjoyable noise-making.

today i fell asleep in the clubhouse and. when i woke up in the lights off air con wrapped up in that sleeping bag. i thought of last year, and how just before camp i was there, talking to terence lying on the other couch. i. i. i. i. i really miss terence. i also really miss being close to people, relatively. i miss knowing what people are thinking, i realise. i like something daniel said to me today, about how he doesn't know who of his friends he really 'owns', if you know what i mean. i do know what you mean, and i. i don't want the floating around, knowing no one for real. i'm just, i don't know. feeling terribly much like solitude, and it leaves me sad, sad and wanting.
-Saturday, March 11, 2006 // 11:47 PM

hey. there are a few of you i miss, right now, i am sad, i really am. being an adult suddenly feels so astoundingly alone, and i don't know. i really don't. school makes me ambitious and going into a world like that sometimes. i don't know. sunday afternoon we mooched around in the unlighted clubhouse talking, sleeping, doing nothing, and i realise how much i used to love that. but it seems like that part of me that can appreciate the simple things has died, or been shoved somewhere to weep under the table. marvin talking about how he was content made me really sad because i realised that i am not, i have not been. so what have i been, lately, i know that i am capable of being simple enough, happy enough. i have traded up contentment for all the lying promises of happiness.


i think. people have stopped being a big part of my life. i think. i need to take the time to sit down and rethink things, what matters to me. what does matter to me. i don't know anymore, i don't know if i really have changed. this is the only youth i get, and i'm tired, actually. of wasting and waiting and waiting to live. of holding my breath to jump another hurdle. when do i start living, really? the hurdles will always be there, they will come up, one after the other. and before i know it i'm thirty, and confused, and trying to drown out a mid-life crisis. with things to do or substance abuse.
-Sunday, February 26, 2006 // 12:07 AM

and i am holding my breath, aren't i. all of a sudden i feel like my studies mean something to me, they loom and i have bought into them. and i have bought into a lot of other things, really, that i don't know how to get out of. what is this, what is this.

i think i am growing up because more and more i am feeling this need to be responsible. or i am getting it from the outside. but i shouldn't have to trade up the simple things, should i, should i. what the heck am i so damn depressing.

and i feel like all the anchors i used to have have been swept away. or i have removed them, myself, and they too have been carried away by the tide. in the opposite direction. i've also opened my mind to the idea of singapore not being home, and though i am still here, i feel very very lost in spite or everything. i need to stake myself to something, really, i need to know that i belong somewhere, that i have a point. i feel like i don't belong anywhere anymore, and, that. that is the truth.


and i haven't really talked to anyone for a really long time. okay that's not true, i had a pretty long conversation with grace on thursday. but i don't know, really, it feels like. like i don't know anybody, anymore. like i haven't known anybody for the longest time. i think the best conversations i've had involved some sort of prettiness, like. a gorgeous sky, or someone strumming a guitar in the background. i remember. lying outside the clubhouse after daryl/ding/amanda's farewell party type thing, playing with wax, talking to sebbie. i remember staying up til four the last time i stayed over at terence's house, reading oyster boy and talking to terence while he strummed the guitar. very softly. that was back when he had just learnt how to play the guitar, nothing to show off about, even if he had wanted to. i remember sitting at the playground with dennis the weekend before he left, talking, thinking. i remember sitting at the back of ding's car one evening after frisbee, corrianne may in the background, telling him how i wanted things to last forever, and him saying you'll never know what the world out there is holding out to you. during those times, with the assurance that those times might last: i don't CARE what the big wide world is holding out to me anymore. i'm happy, i'm contented, and people fly all over the world and fill their eyes with gorgeousness enough to be happy but not contented. contentment is a tricky little devil. i refuse to believe you are a guest that cannot be invited to stay, for longer than you had intended.
-Sunday, February 26, 2006 // 12:07 AM

sigh. i'm trying to explain my listlessness, to myself. i go up and down like a trade cycle, it seems.