Thursday, May 18, 2006 // 11:29 PM

i wrote pages and pages about what i think about this, and then i decided. stop short shut up look at yourself. and if you are okay with what you find, why the heck do you feel a need to propogate your image of youself? i wish i were secure enough for things to slide off like water on a duck's back, but i am not. but, in the spirit of steeling myself, i am also ready to whatever lah and not take part in the argument. it doesn't seem to do any good, really. not to me or you or anyone else. so, so step out, so take yourself out of the ballgame. out of one more futile exercise.

it is natural for human beings to want to talk and argue things around because there is just so much that we don't want to admit and so much we do want to think of ourselves. i don't think i can fight this even if i tried, at the end of the day i am just left with human frailty, yours and mine and everyone else's. and all the gaps in understanding, all the misunderstandings we let slide for no good reason we could think of. so give us, give us our illusions of ourselves, because we need to tell ourselves that we are okay, that we are lovable and worthy of respect. it is difficult to function without.

i'm going to stop thinking too much about this because there really isn't a point. if anything it only shows me how insecure i am about myself and what i believe in. a good thing to do would be for me to look my issue in the eye and deal with it, to stop running away. but instead i think i shall do just that, run away, or turn my back on it. into work, a comic book. because i don't really feel anything anymore.