Tuesday, May 02, 2006 // 9:30 PM

one damn thing after another

i need something to be the still centre of the universe for me. how i'd like to say that i'm done with overthinking, done with psychoanalysing, done with twistedness and bitterness and the blind groping of an unknowing confusion. i don't know, something in the last 2 days has seen me grown cynical twice over, everything is overcast with a mundanely (as opposed to ominously) jaded shadow. if i have learnt anything, it is perhaps the uselessness, the unreliability, or learning lessons; if i have made any decisions in the wake of this fresh wave of cynicism, it is perhaps to not make any decisions from now on, about how to live, how to be. i newly don't believe it moves towards perfection, perhaps, at least maybe not now. it's all wonderfully cyclical because i know that this one conviction, this certainty-of-uncertainty, this manic history-is-just-one-damn-thing-after-another no-laws-to-be-extrapolated-no-logic-behind-anything random variable --- where was i? it's all so wonderfully cyclical because this moment of clarity just folds so brilliantly into itself, but instead of collapsing into itself, the creaking of the architecture just seems to fortify the entire thing with an added strength, calcium, vitamins a b5 and c. i'm so wonderfully disillusioned with everything right now, but really, wonderful disillusionment is a pretty good description of it, in all senses.

the only thing that has withstood this wave of disillusionment is perhaps my faith in art and literature. and perhaps the worth of people, and perhaps religion, but religion is not the same as God, and Christianity is not the same as God, and anyway at the end of the day i'm tired of fighting God, He's God after all and all the ranting and raving in the world isn't really going to change anything about what is real. but where was i. and love falls into the Hrm Let's Just Wait And See box, i've lost any starry eyed romanticism for the moment. yes hello i am jaded and astounded really astounded by the changeability of emotions. and so i'm going to stop working so hard to keep myself in check, from now on. i want to do things from now on, it's quite ironic because i celebrate this new decision to stop thinking by taking myself out on a long rant over it. when really i should be going haiyar whatever larh and going off to do my math tutorial/read my cantebury tales/play some piano/cycle/clean my room.

and everything, like gp, is really an artificial exercise, is it not. i'll find this hilariously funny, in a moment, that we have to add so many disclaimers to everything said to show some sort of awareness of how reality just fails to live up to any truth or ideal. somehow i feel like we, people, humanity, just can't handle the truth, or, if truth exists, it would never deign to allow itself to be contained in words. there is so much beyond the words. but the words, the manic and mindless and above-all pursuit of rationality and objectivity. all these these artificial exercises we so desperately need to frame reality in some sort of artificial coherence, that is better than the honesty of chaos, the same way the false sense of security (if widely enough agreed on) is a sense of security all the same. is there truth, can we handle it, what is the point, really, of being properly informed.

my mad ranting. shall pause for a toilet break. having crossed beyond the spillover point of ad absurdum (how do i know these words? i fascinate me, sometimes), well actually, absurdity, surreality, you really do strike a chord with me, don't you. here i go pinning names to things. aw come on ella, stop thinking and start living, already. but i know i have, because i can still stop this train of thought and go do something completely mundane and be completely okay with it.

people have nice nicknames online tonight. from gery's i get a kick out of you to shuhan's sharp as a marble to huiwen's say goodbye and back to liyan's bruise li and kevin's pirahna petting pool i've been looking at them go, it's like people watching.

someone take me out for ice cream and laughter.