Monday, May 08, 2006 // 12:01 AM

so i've been feeling like shit for the last two days, and then beyond, i don't know. there are so many things i don't want to admit, really, so much healing that i refuse to let start. breathe, and mend, and be honest, and let go. i can't remember the last time i wanted to be less than honest, but now i do, or with some people, anyway. realising how little there is to things, realising how easy it is, really, for people to stop caring about each other. and i'm selfish too, now, i admit it, i just don't want to stick my neck out again and give a shit about people. when it just seems like we're just not on the same page anymore, and more importantly, most importantly, we don't want to be so.

i don't want to be selfish. i'm not happy when i'm selfish, i hate this guardedness. if formality is Not Wanting To Give Yourself Away, i am the most naively wrecklessly informal at heart, and i don't want for a moment to be any different. and so. and so i hate this sudden alertness, this holding-back-ness, this sudden invulnerability. this sudden Be This Way, Don't Think Too Much, Rein Yourself In, i am just like this, i am just like that. to want to be different is surely not so un-understandable, and while it is a step i may someday take, hope to someday take - it is not a step i have taken. and i can't pretend otherwise.

i can't help feeling like there is so much that needs to be said, so much that begs to be said, because you know there is something different, now, and i know, or do you, do you? do you know? do you know i know you know i know? i am completely hypersensitive at times and i could be so completely flat out wrong, but this time, it has been too long and too painful for me to think this is natural. this is not natural. i know natural, i have been spontaneous with you, and now, and now. it chokes itself up my throat like a fishbone, and when i open my mouth to speak, i find, that there is nothing more to say, and no more desire to say it, and no more a person to say it to.

i'm a little bitter, can you tell? blogging this is like ranting to an empty wall, and i have the audacity to expect a response. when i don't think you feel any better than i do, right now, i don't know. i'm going to sleep.