Monday, May 01, 2006 // 1:36 AM

there's beauty in release

and if only i could. be this, this person, this carefree, this much at ease, with myself. always.

so i'm happy, this has been a happy day. or not fully, my head tells me, marvin tells me, i've been moody all over again. but i think i can live with that, i think the bus ride and the chilling out at the esplanade was a happy enough end for me to. sign it off with a contented flourish.

i think i have been thinking too much, huh. sigh. i wish i could say i've learnt something now but i have not, not really, because learning lessons isn't really something i do, much. you know i'm just going to go through it all over again, at the end of the day. that doesn't really fill me with despair, just the oh well, oh well. looks like it's got to be another Wait And See.

i know i won't remember to swallow my contempt next time. right now i do know, i really really really do know why people do things that appear so stupid from the outside. so naive and lazy and desperate and just plain insane. or not even insane, why people just... don't check themselves, with some things, and why, why not. sigh. hello. i'm letting go of the value judgement at least for tonight. i know i've learnt this a million times before, i'll have to do it a million times more.

if i could tell you anything at all, it would be something about what it is like to be human. you're human too, hello, you, sitting there in some computer chair reading this. thinking about your own psyche is like trying to see into the inside of your own eyeballs. but it's there, and how, how we are. ever so human, ever the best friends and worst enemies and total strangers and kindred spirits, all at the same time. how, how human are we, well hopelessly.

what's important to me. you know. i used to have such a sure answer of that. and then i lost it, then all the old answers ceased to apply. and now, now. i'm looking for a way into myself, a way into some sort of happiness, contentment. i think, maybe, i've at least started to rediscover.

you know things like that. need a greater dosage than one long weekend. it's not thinking i want to do now, it's doing, it's the moving of my hands.

they sang army songs last now, to a black oblivion of the river, to creme brule and all those lights in the night sky. it leaves me feeling so hollow, thinking of war, thinking of these my friends out on some nondescript battlefield dying nondescript deaths to the sound of nondescript apathetic gunfire. fight, fight for me, fight for us all. you know it's sad, you know it'd leave us all broken up inside.

and i wanted to apologize, for my going crazy, some times, but then i did a double take and just could not be bothered.