Thursday, June 01, 2006 // 10:32 PM

futile

so, so maybe you were right about things. after all this time it isn't any easier to swallow and accept, maybe circumstances would be a little differen now. or not, actually, i can't get away from this sneaking suspicion that everything is just inevitable. no space for regret, but no space for hope, either. i don't know if it's pointless to wish that you were still here. was it you or me, that walked away? but then i suppose people, people can't be owned, caged like pets, possessions. you, yous or me. there isn't a point in playing the blame game.

i'm sad, that lives don't intersect for any substantial length of a time. maybe i am overstating things, maybe i am pessimistic, maybe i think old friendships, once snuffed, are really difficult to bring back. i don't know, understanding was, is, precious. i have friends and family and i know i am loved, but there is some hole inside that somehow they cannot fill. i don't know, if ignoring it is an option. somehow at the end of the day after doing the many things i do to keep myself occupied and sane i just really find myself feeling nothing. and with questions like what am i doing? going round and round in my head. feeling like everything is far away, under-water, just another lucid dream.

i make a lot of high pitched noises. does this mean i'm nervous? sometimes i feel like i don't belong here, wherever here is.

and i really should dive into my pile of work. i wish i could go to sleep for about a week, and wake up with everything new, clean, fresh. i think this might be why i want to go to another country: so that i can leave myself behind. when somewhere in the back of my mind i do know that a person can't run, can't wander forever, and that familiarity and routine are just so sorely under-rated. but change, change is difficult to do when you're standing still, because every new wave of change starts out from inside you, and people are always going to expect the same old thing. i don't know, i don't suppose i could blame it on you. but i just find myself endlessly changing and changing and changing, and with every new wave of change somehow it's been easier to walk out on current circumstances. until you find a day when everyone's a stranger, or there are no more other circumstances, to walk into, or no way to walk out of the Right Here Right Now. but what barnard said that day, about the next few years being a time when we'll change more than we ever will in our lives, somehow i've had that sneaking suspicion too. fueled perhaps by the imagination of a glorious unknown, or by this discontentment, like a stone in my shoe, this rabid wanderlust.

i want an hour of laughter, i want a few hours with silence and a piano. early afternoon that stretches on forever. i want to call someone up and go hello how are you, i want to see the nanyang gymmers again. i want to do something gorgeous, without feeling futile, everything feels futile, now, somehow. but not absurd, or not yet, i. stopper my head, stop thinking so much, because it's just so freaking pointless. all over again.

i want to be told about God. by someone who is still certain that he is somewhere, out there. i want to. curl up amd feel safe, somewhere. the old answers don't make sense anymore, or they are insufficient, i don't feel a single thing at all. i'm feeling. very amoral, and fine. hollow and strange but i really can function, like this. crash and burn and recover and get on with life. it all is very mundane, but really. all the shit and happiness i feel, i know time will obliterate.

sacrifice clarity for the endless babbling. stop now. be alright, do alright, like some sort of. punctuation. i need sleep.