Saturday, June 24, 2006 // 10:43 PM

i think distrust is a very big part of our interaction with each other, interaction with the general society, the average person outside your comfort zone. i wish singaporeans, or people, were by nature considerate, then all this bitching and suspicion wouldn't even have to come into the picture. i think about lois and how she once came armed with tissues to play the sanctuary piano, and if i were her i might cringe at me, this amateur of a piano player, not because of the skill of the musician but the ability of the musician to take care of the instrument. sometimes when i'm sitting up in the clubhouse and i hear someone banging on the sanctuary piano i'm feel uneasy inside, for what it might be doing to the piano. i don't know enough about the instrument itself to be able to tell, don't even know enough to know what damage i myself might be doing, but the piano, that particular piano, is important to me, and i worry, the way it would be expected for a parent to worry about a child with whom she does not communicate, and therefore is at liberty to imagine the worst, about. today when i was almost disallowed from playing the gardens sanctuary piano, i started thinking about how, really, you have every reason to distrust me, since you don't know who i am (not really), don't know if i am a competent pianist, or even just simply one who respects the piano. and so i feel sorry, half sorry, inconsiderate, for stepping out of line, as it were, for being determined as i am, to play. i wish i could tell you that i am on your side and that i care for it as much as you do, don't worry. if i were you, i wouldn't trust me neither.

or am i getting carried away says:
i want grand piano
or am i getting carried away says:
was telling rachel last now that i wanna buy one some day
or am i getting carried away says:
she was saying get a white one
or am i getting carried away says:
or a transparent one
or am i getting carried away says:
but i think i'd just get a black one leh
Joel says:
HAHAH
Joel says:
get pure wood colours
or am i getting carried away says:
the gardens grand in sanc 2 is wood colour
or am i getting carried away says:
but i didnt like it cos of the sound
or am i getting carried away says:
i want like
or am i getting carried away says:
this wooden room
or am i getting carried away says:
wooden panels on the floor
or am i getting carried away says:
with like windows
or am i getting carried away says:
biiiiiiggg windows
or am i getting carried away says:
that can see the sky
Joel says:
haha
or am i getting carried away says:
and i'll line one wall with mirrors
or am i getting carried away says:
and i'll put the piano right in the middle
or am i getting carried away says:
and it'll be on wheels
or am i getting carried away says:
so that if i want to use it as a dance studio i can
Joel says:
how about a clear glass ceiling ?
or am i getting carried away says:
OOOOOH clear glass ceiling
or am i getting carried away says:
niiiice
Joel says:
:D

i know one thing i want now! in my mind there's this like studio apartment top floor of a very tall building, with no pesky neighbours downstairs who will complain if i play at 2am. next year i will learn to play more instruments, i really do want to. and find a good lyrical jazz class, or jazz ballet. i think everyone should dance, really. however shit you look, however shit you think you look, it feels really good.

i carried uncle lawrence's baby today. well actually, i held her chubby padded hand, or she held onto mine, and frowned, and drooled, and squirmed and shook her head and stared off into the distance. doesn't sound very cute at all but she was, and when grace plonked her onto my lap i kinda didn't know what to do. but a happy kind of lost, a happy kind of oh help, until she started grappling and was whisked off into daddy's arms. where it must feel so awfully safe, familiar, home again.

i can feel myself having grown up just that much, like leveling up in a computer game. i see the difference in my self when fong says things that would have applied a short while (or long while, sometimes) ago, but that now do not. and i like that i am growing up, seeing things more clearly. i don't feel the need to dissect everything anymore, to think so fervently about everything. i don't want to swing to another extreme either, so maybe. maybe i should hustle while waiting for things to occur to me.


or am i getting carried away says:
what's your full name?
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
yap hand some sebastian

today kinyip said to me, your blocks are in two days. i haven't woken up yet, it seems, even though we semi-panicked that day, about there being about ten weeks left to prelims. i haven't started studying for econs, or lit, or history, but i have done two chapters of math. of course i am prepared to screw blocks, to come this far, to be sitting here and breathing normally while thinking that much, two days before exam week, a girl has got to be okay with screwing blocks. i just hope i can really really really get down to studying after that.

(by the way: hello, you, the breathing space has done us good, i think. i'm really glad, that i can think straight, be a normal person where you are concerned, now. i've unloaded myself elsewhere, and now, i'm a little bit closer to knowing what i want.)

i try to breathe, thinking about (other) you. sometimes literally. i place myself an arms length away from my obsession, and tell myself that you are a human being, i am a human being. so sometimes the songs get to me, the ones that mouth the words i would say to you, or suspect you might say to me. and sometimes the loneliness gets to me, sometimes the insecurities get to me, sometimes i think about ________ and it is a struggle to keep myself feeling okay at the end of the day. well all said and done and talked out of, don't be silly, of course it hurts. but i'm ever set free by the notion that whatever happens happens, and whatever happens or doesn't, i will get over. that really, at the end of it all, this isn't the end of the story, this isn't my entire life, all my emotions, hinged on, this really isn't that big a deal at all. i like the knowing that i don't want to, have to, work so hard.