Sunday, June 25, 2006 // 10:00 PM

one more thing i want to take back: it's just your nature, you're just like that.

so i'm not mopeing anymore, or i will try not to. i think the mopeing is something inside, an antisocial blueness to the way you look at the world, and not really about what it looks like. although, really, who could tell the difference, from the outside. i still like playing the piano, i still like wandering off, i still like sitting and watching people go about things, but i'm not really antisocial about it, or i haven't been, these last few days.

I've been gone so long. says:
the world can't take two ellas
I've been gone so long. says:
one is enough to confuse me
I've been gone so long. says:
:)

so thank you, thank you so so much, for honesty. you have no idea how much it means to me. when most of the time all this talking that goes on between people isn't really saying anything. i'm a heart-to-heart junkie, sometimes, but it's not that you give me a kick that i could get just anywhere, from anyone- your willingness to be honest has made you important to me. aw, how cheesey.

daryl played his fancypants guitar for us again today. i'm aching for the day when i can just drop my studies and do stuff i really want to do. my grand-piano-studio-apartment daydream is making me really happy.

and i really want to reply my letters. to kinyip, to marcus, to christl, to shumay, to joel. i'm real sorry, for how little time i have, to put into relationships. and this is me fresh out of holidays, this is me gearing up for a 5 month long mug camp. i really do need to Get My Life In Order, particularly my academic life, i'm clinging onto this hope that starting after june is not too late. today kinyip said to me, don't let expectation weigh you down and i started crying. it's not just your expectation, the expectation you have of me: it's my expectation. it's my expectation of myself, it's my expectation of your expectation, parents teachers peers, because i have some sort of a reputation for being smart, because i have some sort of track record for fluking out where exams is concerned. it's made me massively overconfident, and ambitious, oh help. i'm so afraid of school and what it might do to me, the grade grubbing, the lack of sleep. today three different people asked me if i hadn't slept, so i think ella should sleep or go zen, for about a week. this is probably a bad week.

so thank you, everyone's who's been nice to me today. to joel and christl and charles and kinyip and vanissa and marcus, who just called me to wish me good luck for blocks. i feel some awful corny right now, but ella is happy and happy will be as corny as she likes.