Friday, June 23, 2006 // 12:06 AM

(semi-) clarity 2)

i've been overthinking. to some extent i don't even think i can stop it. but i'm glad that this time the overthinking hasn't gotten me all angsty again. i'm still feeling fine and really grateful for that much. even after realising that i've been complicating things, i think i'm quite prepared to step back and not get all uptight about it. because this is life and i am living it and i am a human being and i am going to make my stupid mistakes and say and do all my stupid things all the time. and my friends, the friends who are really my friends, are those who are going to accept that and love me anyway, for the strange reasons that they have. and vice versa, i need to stop pointing this accusatory finger all over the place. i'm so sorry, for my stupid mouth, so much of the time i think about things i've said ten minutes ago and i want to take it all back.

here's a few things i'd like to take back
1) your brother is so very un-male
2) "worse" that that
3) no but it's true
4) always like that
5) geez could you be any less irritating?

sometimes it's the little things i know: the things that leak into my conversation, the words i use and regret, the ones that slip out, reveal an unconscoius bias i didn't think i had. i'm sorry, for being unthinking, i couldn't count the toes i've stepped on, as a result of being so damn i-don't-know-what. and the friendships i've damaged. but the friends i've discovered, as a result, the ones who have taken my shit and are still somehow here. superstars, all of you, i wish i'd give you the credit you really deserve.

so i want to stop overthinking. i've got my head in the clouds, my feet off the ground. and that messes me up because the overthinking never seems to lead anywhere, and also because back on earth, things have been happening in my life that i have been neglecting, and will some day have to pay the price for. today was so thoroughly enjoyable, playing piano for an hour, sitting out underneath the sky, talking, dancing, singing (literally - all those things, we did them. it felt like an endless picnic, carefree, gorgeous). i really could wile away my entire holiday in this heartfelt laughter, this feel-good, this gorgeous company. you are, by the way. gorgeous company.

marvin said something about how i'm perpetually mopeing that day that really cheesed me off. but at the end of the day i suppose if i'm honest with myself, my reaction would be much different.

and i need to listen to more happy songs. it's like self-medication, it's like, hello sunshine, come into my life

i think i've been learning lessons everyday, it's just that i'm so overwhelmed by them that i can't hold on to them for more than 24 hours. i really do need to learn to be more sensitive, but really, all i want right now is a good night's sleep. not to mention the mountains of work that i have, as well, the four thousand word essay that will not write itself. never mind my making the decision to really seriously study 3 days before blocks, never mind the shell shocked but surely fading panic attack about prelims being in about ten weeks. i'm torn, i can't multi-task, and i don't know what to do.

and i'm also sorry, for being so very very selfish. it's all about me, is it not, it's all about how you may pander to my needs. it's all been me not caring about your life, not caring about your feelings, not caring about the fact that you're a human being. sigh. i wish i could tear down the illusions i have about myself, and be more honest.

i'm afraid i won't be able to keep stable throughout this long and arduous months of studying. will you talk to me, will you keep me safe? will you vanquish the voices in my head for me, will you fill my head with sanity, will you be my guiding star? i very much know that i am not in this alone, but somehow i'm not sure if it will be enough. though i know it will help, you, you and you and you and you and everyone who i've been studying with, i really do need you guys around, i really do need to know that we're in this together. that we can panic and be sea anemones together, that we can beat off distraction together, stress and scream and do cartwheels together. so what now, when school starts, where do we go? you know something: i really don't want to be alone. i don't trust myself to be stable if i'm left to my own defences. desperately needy, i am, for all the independent i seem to be. i need you to reach out your hand and hold me, keep me from drowning in the black hole that is my own mind.

and my mom is funky, i'll admit that. i don't know what it's like to have seemingly or actually unreasonable parents.

and i do think that i'm very strange. sigh, oh well, i don't really know. i have my whole life to think about it.