Wednesday, June 21, 2006 // 1:10 AM

stable

i feel so very very stable, considering___________. i played piano and some soccer today, and missed again what i have been missing, all this while. so we pottered around and laughed a lot, took a 3 hour lunch break, sat around watching the rain and playing the guitar. and, somewhere in between all that, got some work done. this is a holiday, really, don't tell me otherwise. i can't believe this is the last week already, really what i want is this, these last two days, this week multiplied by four.

fong is downstairs, anticipating a violent stomachache. ma says, akan datang, what's this. never heard of people anticipating this kind of thing before. we watched michael jackson videos again, me and fong, fong who is not a function but a human being. and there's so much more to being a person that what you can achieve.

i like carol ann duffy's poems, muchly. lit gives me so much enjoyment, studying for it. i'm glad that at least one of my subjects (or two, actually) engages me to such an extent.

grace said that day that this blog self is very different from the person i am in real life. it makes me think about myself, actually, and how honest i am with myself, how honest i am capable of being, with myself. i don't know, really, because a lot of the time the me on the streets feels uncomfortable, and yet a lot of the time the me in words, here, is under some sort of emotional pressure or pretence. i'd love to talk about it, but not to myself, because that would be a conversation in which nothing could ever be figured out.

and okay, i do have self-discipline, at least some. grace says i might be too hard on myself, grace says. i like knowing what other people have to say, it is a point of interest.

and i'm still charmed by what selena said that day: you're so real you might as well materialize.

i keep forgetting that i'm eighteen. when people ask my age there's always that lapse, or a hurried answer that i don't even realise is wrong. eighteen is one large step closer to adulthood, and i don't really feel like i have taken it. i've lingered behind in a world without consequence, happy, happy unthinking, unthinking about my future and how i must (i am told) seize it with both hands now now now. the a levels are not real to me now, even though i know they come, even though i know i will put myself through the slow and plodding process of studying, in the next few months. i don't want to stake my happiness, my worth, on this, anymore. i think i'm slowly starting to see clearly, the things that matter and the things that don't, to me.

and i love these uncomplicated friendships. i don't want to complicate my relationships anymore, any of them. i am trying so so so hard not to, to Not Think So Much. to not suck you into this black hole that is my mind.

so at least right now, i am stable.