Thursday, June 22, 2006 // 1:08 AM

today

1) little miss foot in mouth. me i mean. i wish i could stop saying things that hurt people's feelings. my Way With Words, i think i have abused it.
2) i have this thing about control, why is that. me, and the relationships that i have with people. i am ever so sorry, not really. sorry for being like this, perhaps, but not sorry for doing things the way i do. because some part of me knows i might never stop.
3) i'm fighting to be where i should be. why am i always fighting? like geez, what am i fighting against?
4) i've been beyond reproach. when fong and terence were trying to scold me last now i couldn't help but fight against it. when i think sometimes i really shouldn't. when i think sometimes it would do me good to have the pride peeled off and away.
5) i'm hardly honest. it's not a malice thing, it's a pride thing, because i'm hardly honest to myself, either. all this strength that i seem so determined to have. when say the right words, i melt into a puddle of goo on the floor. but i liked the softness, i like being vulnerable, and having people be vulnerable to you. it was like a secret shared, away from the rest of the unfeeling world. i think i have in the last few months become that unfeeling world, and. and i really don't like that change.

but i laughed myself insane in the last few hours. terence is one of the funniest people i know. and he is right, we should meet up, drink cofee, talk, often. because we are old enough. and i thought about how i used to do that, social eating, a lot more often than i do right now, and how i have missed it. having someone across the table to understand, both in terms of understanding, and being understood.