Tuesday, July 25, 2006 // 9:38 PM

drone

i thought about what i said to you, or rather, what i said to you in my head. right now i can't think of a single reason to not do exactly what i want to. i could be downright manipulative, right now, because i don't feel a thing and it's a perfectly plausible way to be. from the inside of the What I Want, a chiding like girl, restrain yourself means nothing to me, as does regret, as does reason and morality and. and a few other things.

you have been here, i am sure you have been here. and therefore, therefore i cannot be blamed, therefore i cannot be absolved.

i'm likely to feel otherwise once i have time to sit down with myself and think things through. but that takes time, and peace of mind, i have neither, right now. i am sure i have more good sense than this, it is just that i am passion-driven, you would call me that, and right now i would let my passion drive me all the way down to the doorstep of my own destruction. i don't care about consequence, gimme gimme gimme. instant gratification, i say.

i want to go to america, i want to go to yale, or brown, or somewhere interesting. i'm closing my eyes to the true state of my academics, in order to be ambitious, it is like a shot in the dark, it could be me. right now i have finally reached the point of wishing i had put in the effort where work is concerned, these past two years, because a lot of the stuff i'm doing is muchly interesting. and because, so, so much hinges on this, because i have finally drawn up the schedule and realised (though not fully), what is to come. and how helpless i am going to be, how much hysterical.

right now i am too busy being utilitarian, to think about who i am. i cannot recall a day being different, i cannot even imagine wanting to be different- the weekend is far away still. studying is swiftly turning me into an intensely boring person. i speak in a monotone, because that is all i have the energy for.

i feel like being absolutely bimbotic tonight. where's kevin?