Saturday, July 29, 2006 // 12:11 AM

i think, i will move too fast and find myself not knowing where the heck i am going, what the heck i am doing. i need someone to hold out a hand in front of me, to deny me things, to be a stop sign, adamant. for me. i'm. i'm getting really depressed thinking about this, thinking about our wasted lives, and me, here, now, in the process of squandering it.

there is a party girl, at heart, i admitted to daryl. i'm tired, i. passed off drinks with dennis and some dartmouth friend of his because i can't get the Studying I Am Not Doing out of my mind. but there are so many places i would rather be right now, or not right right now, but 3 hours ago, when i was thinking about it being a friday night.

and i have questions without answers, the Why Am I Doing This, that i am afraid to think about. why do i want to go to america, i suspect it is because, because i want to lose myself. i don't have model answers, i don't have any answers at all; right now i just feel like i am bobbing below the surface of chaos, saying things like there is no truth, i don't know i don't know i don't know. and i really don't, thinking has been like a philosophical box but i want to do it, i want to do it now. and why, really. really.

my mind has stagnated. and the friends i had, i have let loose, into the wind. could i bring myself to be honest to you, for ten minutes? let me tell you why: i can't bring myself to stop shaking, long enough to. to put sentences together.

where i want to be right now
-watching a good film, or a good production
-at the art gallery, with someone nice to go to art galleries with
-playing soccer, some sport, watching the guys go at it at the street soccer court behind church. only if there's gorgeous weather.
-dance class, taught by Bryan, after which i'd hang around Lau Pa sat with xinyi and christl
-staying over at terence's playing bang, random games on his ps. nosing through tim's book collection, terence playing his guitar.
-reading a good book
-talking to someone, mucking around town. because town feels sufficiently far away, to be an indulgence
-somewhere gorgeous, with someone who is gorgeous (not physcally, necessarily) to be with


Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
full?
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
full?
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
full?
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
(ok. ella has ceased to understand this)
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
that was bound to happen
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
so why did you go full
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
why did YOU go full
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
you said it first
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
who said i said ti first
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:

Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
my music bank has stagnated
Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
full?
Why should my victim be so unattractive as to be inedible? says:
full?

Irgendwann fällt jede mauer says:
i think the fact that its 0120 might play a huge part in my actions

i miss kevin, i haven't talked to him for weeks. i want to sit him down with a cup of coffee in a large sofa and make him talk to me.