Sunday, July 23, 2006 // 1:23 AM

i'm completely incoherent these days. i don't know why, but these days i'm content to let the thoughts drift through my head and out the window, without my tagging them, pinning them down with words. there are actually a lot of things i've realised over the last few ________ that i think would be very useful for me to capture in words. so that i remember, so that i can move on in my life without losing sight, losing track of myself.

lady, observe how i am not so terribly impressed. i'm dying to sit you down, pick you apart, see how you might react. outside the big words, please. please be honest with me. when i see the claims you make in the life you live, i will respect you for all that you are. and you have every right to demand the same of me, and how. how i wish i could live up to things, all the time.

i believe in my own intelligence, this doesn't mean that i think i'm a genius. but it does mean that i don't feel the need to prove it to myself, neither do i feel the need to be more intelligent than i already am. what worries me, talking to you, is that some day i might, some day i might feel this need to prove continually my worth as a human being.

words, say them, aim them at my face level. today i hung out with the gardens guys, sat in zhixian's car muchly amused at their company, the jargon, the way they toss things (physical and otherwise) back and forth, at each other. zhixian said some things to me today about studying overseas that i'd really like to keep in my head. there are quite a few conversations i'm supposed to have, drop me a line, we'll talk about it. i'm excited, it's exciting, but i also haven't the first idea, what i am doing here.

i'm not terribly bowled over ecstatic. as i been, i know, on these sort of saturday nights. i walked around my neighbourhood wearing fong's goofy picnic hat, and looked strangers right in the eye, just for the fun of it. somewhere in the back of my mind there's a pile of books symbolically representing all the studying i need to get down to.

it was school day at yf today, and i was really have impressed by how sporting everyone was. my nanyang uniform felt strange, and yet ever so familiar, once i put on my school shoes, (dug up from the bottom of my cabinet, even complete with authentic sec 4 dirt)i felt like a grubby secondary school kid, again. it felt like i was going to school on a saturday morning for training, again, and how. there's a bittersweetness to this, that i don't want to admit because marvin said the words to me a few hours ago and so it feels like i have taken his idea again even though i had that thought myself thinking about how i would lug myself out of bed on saturday mornings, go for training, dream of milk tea and lunch while waiting for my turn on the trampoline. it all feels so hopelessly young, in a way that i never realised, when i really stood in those shoes, precocious, carefree, in a way i never ever would have felt, that i would never had admitted to. i don't want those days back, somehow. but i do think about them.