Tuesday, July 04, 2006 // 1:48 AM

please be yourself

i can feel what our separate school lives have done to our relationshps, somewhat: what are we to each other? this time we spend together, doing nothing in particular (though we might pretend to, like the way we pretend to study), i'm really really glad for it. everytime we come together again from the rest of our lives, it feels like we have to redo the orientation bit, at least some of it. i wish we had more free time to sit around and talk about everything, and nothing, and to play soccer and guitar and all the games of chess in the world.

this has been a pretty good day, a pretty good weekend. i played chess today, down the a boardfull of kings and pawns, then down again to the doubledate of mine and andrew's kings and queens tangoing all over the board. i like chess, does anyone want to play chess with me? i really do like the challenge. we played soccer too, and i bounced distractingly around, and tried to be competent, and scored our first goal in a moment of sheer taikoness.

and i cycled, and soaked in the overwhelming gorgeousness of the sky, and sat on the windowsill of the rooftop garden for two hours, and talked honestly for more than five minutes, with chenghui. and spent 2 hours in the sanctuary talking to God, and acknowledging that He is not a very big part of my life and consideration, right now. yesterday the weather was gorgeous, and i sat at the back of ding's car with joanne wearing one of his grandma's hats, and read, and wrote for the first time in a long while, and admired the gorgeous day. it really was one of the most gorgeous days i've had, lately, lately being the last week, at least.

i'm not actually bimbotic, in my concerns, at the end of the day. i don't say bimbotic as a bad thing, i just don't have another word. but i've realised: it's tiring to try and be that sort of person, socially, for very long. i can't really make that happy sociable noise for very long, unless i am already close to whoever i am making it with, a lot of the time i'm the most happy when i'm being quiet. i let myself be myself, for a while, my challenging, endlessly annoying, cryptic self, which i am sometimes. i haven't done this to someone for quite some time, but i did it to chenghui today, spun an eloquent yarn. and the fact that he still offered me company for dinner means that it didn't weird him out too severely.

i've been thinking too much again. i really can't help it, my mind just picks a path and goes all the way down it. or as far down as i can, which isn't always helpful. i think i should read more so that i don't have all this spare consciousness, on my hands.

and the wanting, i realise, is not always useful, what the desire does to you. some times you want things that it doesn't really make sense to want, you want something just because you want it, and once you get it, you have no idea what it's supposed to mean, what you're supposed to do with it. like wanting shoes that don't fit. and then sometimes you just want an actor to put on that costume that's waiting backstage, and emerge from the wings with the right lines at the right times. anyone will do, really, in the daydream, no wonder reality disappoints us.

and i really do want to be close to people, at least one person. i don't necessarily mean that in the bgr sense, it's just the having someone else to understand, to be there. i'm coming to terms with my neediness, not the violent neediness of me being upset, but just the wanting, liking, appreciating having people around.

but at the end of the day it's just you, really, in your own head. you're solitary, floating in the world, even if you have a healthy circle of friends etc etc etc. there are some things, sometimes just this inpalpable feeling, that are just so completely personal that they cannot be shared with another human being. i'm slowly learning again that no matter how much empathy you pump into something, there is a point beyond which, people suffocate. you'd think i'd understand all about needing space, and i do, me and my independence and et cetera, it's just that every once in a while this wave of insecurity blindsides me, and instead of stepping back to consider things calmly you cling on to whatever you have in a fit of manic desperation.

and i had a lot of thoughts in my head, last now, that i'd wanted to pin down and secure, for clarity, but now they are gone.