Monday, July 17, 2006 // 1:20 AM

so

i thought about what i said to you, all the ideas i use, confident words i throw around (but i really do think-)to sidestep what i know you're thinking of saying. i don't know, at the end of the day there is something i'd admit only to myself, that really lies at the heart of everything: it is not me, this time, it is you, it is the fact that you are not you. it's not that i really am saying all these things, that they would apply across the board to every single relationship i have in my life, but it is. really. a simple and stupid and painful fact. that i hate too, honestly, because not liking someone is the most liberating, and i want that back a lot of the time, i want to be that free and that unthinking. i don't want to think in those terms anymore but any teenager might know, it is a difficult thing. and you know, some things have not changed in that: i still don't know how to say no. everything inside me may confirm it but i can't bring myself to put it in words across to another human being.

and then i think about what christl says, leading him on. and then i think about what terence said, she doesn't know what she wants. and then. and then i see how these things go, and while i'm charmed as any girl might be charmed (more than i'd like to admit), i'm also. so damn fed up of the entire song and dance.

i'm thinking about the closeness i've had with the different people, and how easily something like that is lost, and. and i feel really really sad. you know, i really don't see the point in risking the friendships, sometimes, but at the same time, you know and i know and everyone who's ever fallen for another person knows, there's really nothing very much you can do to push that that thought out of your mind. or it sure as heck feels that way. and. and i don't know, really, i suppose there really just aren't any words to be said. because even after having said and accepted the some friendships just aren't worth risking, there's the but if it works out argument to deal with. which we all want, i know, admit it my dear. but. but i'm frustrated thinking about it, and i'm sad anyway, at what it might cost. i was sad to grow distant from terence when he first got together with julia, and that night at church camp when he made me tell him what was wrong with me i just felt really really really sad. and though i'm glad we're talking again, i just. i just don't see that happening for a lot of the other relationships that have somehow been let go, by you or me, or by the something in between, that has made the biggest mess of things, really. it's that something in between that i'm afraid of now. it's simple enough in that: i just want to be honest. even if i'm saying the stupidest things i'll ever say in my entire life, i want to admit that they've gone through my mind, i. there's really nothing i hate more than that pent up feeling of having to choke things down, of having to fill this yawning silence in between with an endless and desperate conversation.

i'm sad because having come to a point of friendship as we have, i don't want to go back to being strangers.