Wednesday, July 05, 2006 // 12:35 AM

talked to marvin over dinner, and even though it gets me worried that i am slowly forgetting that there are ten weeks to prelims, i had fun. the plan is for me to Really Start Studying now, so tonight was the last Thing That Felt Like A Holiday, and i need to take hold of things with both hands. and get the rest of my life sorted.

i don't have a strategy to combat my overthinking. offer one, please? good movies, good media, i am afraid that studying will leave me on a nervous edge. i know now how badly i can mess things up, by the endless revisions in my mind, by the wanting, and the hopeful force-fitting of evidence, and the hypersensitivity of being insecure. i tried to Not Think on the long bus ride home, staring out at empty streets, and i really did find it difficult. i'm starting to see i might have reason to be afraid to be left alone with my own thoughts, no one to validate my reality, and tell me when i am starting to go insane or even simply unreasonable. when marvin asked me about my issues last now i couldn't think of anything, going to that compartment of information in my mind it just looked like this large lump of inscrutable mess. but i suppose at the end of the day there is this one perrenial thing: the way i get so screwed up, sometimes. i'm fine right now right now, i've been happy, lucid, tonight, the last few days, but somehow i think i expect more sadness and frustration and restlessness than happiness, out of my days, i expect that the sadness or melancholy is my fundamental state. and these carefree little moments of genuine laughter and coherent sentences are one heck of a bonus.

i don't know whether i'm really as big a basket case as i think i am. thinking about what grace said to me that once, probably not. but those moments of hysteria terrify me, and feel real like nothing else does, sometimes; i don't know what to do, from the inside of them. and honestly i'm afraid of someday being stuck in that box and never being able to come out. but maybe this negativity that i feel about myself and the inevitability of my crashing is just another self-fulfilling prophecy. so, don't think about it?

i think we both live in the misunderstandings we have of each other. all this strongly believing, i think we both want too badly to believe in our own intelligence, well who wouldn't, really? and well i do believe in mine, but not fully, does that mean i don't believe in it, at all? this and other things, they're complicated issues that stand between us, and i don't think we'd be able to get them sorted till we have the time to sit down face to face and trash things out. and even then, maybe not, because there is so much that needs to be put in: honesty with self, honesty with each other, admissions of frailty - these are just things that i would need, let alone you. i have the strangest feeling that fundamentally we won't understand each other, because the values may not intersect, because things said may not be things heard for what they are rather than what they represent, because a lot of the most grusome misunderstanding is that which goes unnoticed, and because of a fundamental not being able to see why the other person believes a certain thing. there are so many things, after all, that determine how a person might think. so let's have that conversation someday, realistically speaking not very soon, but til then we can always mutually agree to a sort of peaceful coexistance.