Tuesday, September 19, 2006 // 11:14 PM

And it has not taken long, to breed this new cutting edge in your voice, that begs reciprocation. Just a minute, while I try to fight the welling up of poison, on the inside of me, while I attempt to convince myself against sinking to your level, while I tell myself that I don't have to bare my claws to prove that I have them. This is not the kind of company I want to be with, want to be.

And my studies are just about the least real thing to me right now. Even after the hollowing out leaves me in the vacant space where people once filled, academia seems a sad and sorry sort of compensation.

Today the guys talked a distraction over my head, and I can't decide if I miss this or not, I don't know how to react. I think I do, because these are people I have spent much happiness with, because my picture up on the wall seems to confirm, entrench me there, and the conditions seem so very familiar, close to what comfortable has been for the past years. And yet I can't help looking at things, at myself, with new eyes, I can't help, even amidst the laughter they can casually evoke, the sneaking feeling of let's see how long this happy feeling lasts. And it is strange, that thought itself is strange, I have become ever cynical yes, but I can't help wondering if it goes beyond that, if I have really irrevocably outgrown this entire outfit, this innocence, this simplicity. Yet some part of me knows that people aren't dispensable like that, convenient like that; But it takes two people to make a friendship, and maybe the closeness is what I haven't been, lately, being so caught up with my studying. So, so if I sat you down and tried to explain to you, what's been on my mind, lately, would you understand? Would you, for the sake of friendship that have been brief, really, try? There really is no right answer to that, and to some extent I am afraid to even ask. To confirm how out of place I have been feeling, lately.

And this is perhaps a taste of what distance and time will do to us, the lack of communication, the moving on of lives, the diminishing of you and me on each other's emotional landscape.