Wednesday, September 13, 2006 // 10:48 PM

I want to pray, and I want this to be over, because. That prayer meeting was the calmest one and a half hours I've felt in a long time, because it is an entirely different universe for what I have signed myself up for here, and it is one I prefer, because it is real, because it means something. And I long to be so different from what I am now, wrapped up like a child, like the centre of the universe. And I know not too long ago I was so convinced of this need to grow up but now somehow it looks like I have forgotten, all over again; how I have wanted to be responsible, how I have wanted to leaves my childish ways behind.

That day I admitted to Selena that ordinarily I would be able to work things out, in a very common-sense sort of way, but for the times when I am less than stable, I start spouting all sort of cryptic ramblings and then go on to believe them. Right now I would like to say all that was bullshit, I would like to say I have learnt my lesson, but I know that from the inside of things I change and forget and am so utterly convinced of things that maybe, I should just dismiss as the mad ramblings of my hysterical mind. I wish I didn't feel like such a basket case, I wish it didn't make such good sense to me. From the inside of those moments. For now I need more bimbotic or therapeutic things to do, or vents and wastes of time that are somewhat more innocuous.

And I'm an abusive friend; and I hate the idea that you're irrevocably pissed at me. The more I think about it the more complicated it becomes, but also the more I realise how accurate what you said of me was. I don't mean to be cold, but I can only say that I'm sorry that you're so very right.