Friday, September 08, 2006 // 9:48 PM

I want uncomplicated

Today I sat on the bus and felt at peace with myself.

I don't care about prelims anymore. If Xinyi is right, that means that I'm going to get knocked off my feet by a massive panic attack, in a few days.

I am alive, this is home, this is the only home I know. I want this time of my life to be over so that I can go back to being a person that I can respect. Which begs the question, why am I doing what I am doing, right now. I wish I didn't feel so utterly alone; in many ways I know good and well that I am not.

I agree that I Think Too Much, but I don't know how to stop it. I should hang out with the guys more, maybe, because things are simple in that world. Let's play soccer, let's go climb Mount Ophir after the A's. I miss that. I wish I could be laid-back, the way Charmaine is laid-back, unanxious. Or at least, not bowled over by anxiety, uptight to the point of manic paranoia.

I read some article today about how during puberty, your brain makes all sorts of new connections and then after that gets rid of the excess ones for a more efficient brain. I think the phrase the lady used was 'swimming in their hormones'. It's a terrible cliche and it amuses me, but. But I wish that wasn't exactly how I feel.

But I am too old for this, or not really, or I can't wait to be too old for this. To grow out of it. I want to believe that it is grow-outable, I welcome the psychoanalytical breakdown of my hysteria.

Who can I call, I am not going crazy. Fong just dumped me for a Channel 8 drama serial. I don't want to study, but I should stop thinking now.