Saturday, September 02, 2006 // 12:10 AM

insecure

even though i can work out in my head that this will be a strange time, that i am going to largely be unable to be myself, that things right now are not representative of the rest of my life, i can't stop worrying about it. because i've come to be very much of a people person, in the last two years, and the me, right now, i would never be able to recognize. self control and focus and all things utilitarian. i can't stop worrying about what this all means, i can't help feeling a despair that feels too much like standard teenage insecurity, thinking about all the careless laughter we do not have. and i think too much about what it means, and how all this while i am drunk on all the superficiality. but in moments like these i can't help the wave of desperation, i can't help the sneaking suspicion that this is all i have, that i am worth so much less, because i am not fully a part of your universe.

i don't know what to think about the now or about the past times of general happiness. i don't know why i feel the need to be convinced that one or the other is a lie.

and i also can't stop feeling stupid as i do about the way i have become, now, or more specifically, it makes me feel stupid thinking about why my philosophy about things have shifted as they have. because it makes me cringe to think that i could be this much predictable, this much cheapened and changeable, this much defined by external factors, and stupid factors, at that. i really don't want to bend and fold for the reasons that i suspect i may truly have, but i also don't think there's any point in fighting, denying things, because i am somehow convinced they will just beat around the bush and get me anyway. so i don't see a point in trying to control myself, but that doesn't mean i feel no shame, because i do, because at the end of the day it is just absolutely silly. i also kick myself over this because i have gone this road before and i am certain of a few things: firstly, that this is poison to anything that might otherwise have developed harmlessly, secondly, that i have an utter lack of self control, especially where these things are concerned. i can feel myself becoming wreckless, clarity and common sense out of the window. and so i can just see myself staking my soul to something that could be defeated so very swiftly, with a bit of objectivity. i can logically deduce that my emotion is going to drag me down the toilet bowl.