Saturday, September 02, 2006 // 11:58 PM

Samantha: im dead :D
but pretending that im not

This is a good description.

I hate what I can very accurately infer about myself right now. There is a lot of truth I cannot help but face, but would rather sweep under the rug, because it would help me feel better about myself. But I can't stop thinking about it and I can't stop watching myself, and the way I go back and forth with people. Sometimes it sickens me so thoroughly to be so utterly ingenuine.

I'm sad now, thinking about you, tell me if this is all in my mind, tell me if all this guilt and sorrow and moonshine is for an absolute nothing. I don't know what to think, but I do know that I cannot be the same way I was before, because I have changed and fundamentally changed and how do I even begin to articulate that even at the end of the day I still do care about you, for whatever it is you are and are not, that I know nothing about. Something inside me won't say a word.

And now I see why, people can bend and fold like flowers in the wind, abandon all cynicism and hard-wired rationality to receive softness. You would do anything to hold love in your hands. -7.25am, 22nd August 2006