Saturday, September 30, 2006 // 11:20 PM

What I Am Looking Forward To At The End of The Year:

I know this is obvious, recurrent: I am looking forward to the end of the A's. This is strange to realise, but I haven't really been looking forward to it, lately, because when I think about that time of my life I can't stop thinking about the I Don't Know What To Do With Myself -ness that I can't help but anticipate, right now. Because I really do think I am going to feel like crap, overwhelmed with purposelessness. Thinking about it now, thinking about how everyone is looking forward to December and Yf camp and everything so much, gives me some sort of hope that I may feel differently, I desperately hope to, I desperately want to. To not be alone in myself, to not be stuck in my own mind, to not feel so incapable of being happy.

I do know why, it is because studying for me is an exercise in the expansion of my mind, because 1) I really do like the things I am studying; It's not just book grubbing or memory work, part of me likes this and that part has been encouraged to articulate and assert itself, to want more than the simple things, to have ambitions. Part of me is fundamentally changd by what I am studying, intellect and academia and etc etc etc. I, some part of me hates this. The rest of me shrugs shoulders and thinks well it's just another way to be, it's just the way I am. And I don't know what to think, after that. And 2), I feel like I have let loose just about all the relationships I have, and they spread and stray from me, like a palmful of sand in the wind. Going everywhere, how can I possibly come back after these months and say hello, how are you, and get to know you, all over again? It feels strange, this entire process has felt strange, and selfish, and... And I just don't know what to do with myself. Because it feels like I don't know myself, anymore.

How my School/Physical/Spiritual etc life has been lately:

School, prelims, work, is bad, or just Not Good Enough. I'm sorry for saying this on so many counts, but I'm not happy with myself. There is anxiety, there is the aftermath of anxiety which has been whitewashed over to result in a great swath of I-Don't-Care-ness.

And I'm becoming a snob, slowly and surely, watch me. Like I know better, like I've gone around and seen the world and you loser singaporean are living in darkness when theres so much more out there , to quote Marvin's elaborations. Feels like steps in that direction, I can feel it and I hate it but I really don't know what to do about it, it is the flipside of the coin to a lot of ways in which I am going. Some part of me already feels tired about having to defend myself, but yet another part of me cannot accept going back and pretending that I have not been challenged to be different from what I have always been.

What I've been thinking about, instead: going overseas to study, being an adult from the end of this year on (maybe, because it feels like it will be required of me), living alone and being alone likely more alone than I've ever been before, migrating to Australia forever, losing touch with people who have made me feel loved and happy and a sort of meaning about my life. Also, being utterly bored, intensely so, meaningless and empty and antisocial as heck; undrammatically, which somehow makes it worse. Also, money, and doing law, and the banality of everything now. This week felt too much like it could last forever, this state of arid mundanity, in my head. This week I said the words lonely, to Elgina, and bored; Actually I said the latter one over and over and over again, smooshing my face into the table at venezia's in a very unglamorous sort of way, while Xinyi took pictures and bought me ice cream. I want to do something, but something that will involve me, absorb me, completely. I want to get out of my mind.

I have no peace of mind, which may or may not have anything to do with my studying. When I have peace of mind, I am a lot less irritable, and it seems I've been feeling nothing but irritation, lately.

And God, God arches over my head, sometimes, it is not that God is irrelevant. It is just that more and more I am seeing how pressing how consequential the Here And Now is, and. And I wish, I wish for faith again, because it changes your perspective, it revolutionalizes your life, or it can, I know it would if I would stop fighting it, because it has before. There is just a better way to be.

Anything:

I learnt to play the bongos, today, I learnt rhythm and was happy with my musicians. The guys played WWF after that, marking out the ring with slippers and trying like heck to push each other out of the boundary, grunting sweating laughing getting bruised and shoved all over the place. Five guys and the most friendly, happily neanderthal thing I have ever seen, but it was amusing. To do stupid stuff, to be twelve year olds again, unabashed.