Saturday, October 28, 2006 // 1:14 AM

All Apologies: Sorry, very much so, for not having been honest. This is my blog and more than anywhere else (except in private conversations) I should be honest here, in a long run sort of way, I am determined to.

Sorry to a particular few, because Honest With You is just about the last thing I want to be, right now. I don't think I can be blamed for the way I am reacting, but that doesn't mean I like it, that doesn't mean I should sit around and let myself become cruel. Or anything else, really. Either we mend or we don't, I can't pretend I feel benign towards you(s) right now. But I don't want the legacy this leaves on me, at the end of the day it is me who has to live with myself. I don't want to be affected in ways that I will later not be able to reconcile with my self-respect. I don't want to give a false hope, I don't want to feed a monster inside because I have stood in those shoes and I know how it feels, and must therefore be sympathetic, must at least try, to fight the knee-jerk slap in the face. You are a human being, I hope you never forget that, I hope you never let me convince you otherwise. But that much is irrelevant to the person I am inside, a huge part of me will walk away if that's what it takes for me to be allowed to be myself.

Family: These past few days have helped me see things from Ma's perspective, because I am acutely aware of how she is left here without Da and thus could more than reasonably be feeling rather lonely, and thus have been trying to spend more time talking to her.
It's been interesting, psychoanalysing my mom with her like I would with a friend, talking her round and letting her talk herself round. And observing how she and my dad interact, as a couple, which is what they are, really. Asian values, relevant because of how my family is going; It occurred to me that day that it would make my parents extremely happy for me and my siblings to get married.

A levels: I don't care anymore, it's just the A levels, man. Ain't no end of the world. I'm all anxietied out, from the weeks of nervous breakdowns before, maybe this is an extremely good thing. But Don't Care doesn't mean Don't Study, because I still will still am, it just means don't get a heart attack about it daily. Maybe I'll do well and maybe I won't, it's nice to know there's more to life.

Oh but I found out today that Paper 8 is PC, not Paper 1. Went half hysterical on Sharon when she told me, but it's much better than finding out say the day before that it's a paper I've actually got to study for.

Feeling: Happy enough, holiday enough, clarity enough; I wonder if all the Head On Straightness will survive you. It's one thing to say, enough with the silliness let's put it all behind, and it's an entirely different thing, really, how you feel in the moment itself. I don't want that anymore, right now I am interested in maintaining the happy stability of my universe.