Friday, October 13, 2006 // 1:25 AM

Answer

So, so about recent developments, I don't know how I feel. Beyond the initial alarm at the decision, I've thought my way around the circle. I haven't made up my mind, what to think, what to fight for; I need to know more about what, what exactly.

I actually have a bunch of question to ask, I would like to know: what is worship. Who will tell me, who can tell me? A couple of months ago I would not have needed telling, a couple months ago I would truly have been able to say that I was serving, as a pianist, in every sense of the word. But now I am not, in my heart of hearts; Recent Developments have made me consider this, have made me consider my own stand (which didn't seem to be a negotiable, at first), and my own understanding of worship, and the idea that I may be motivated by self interest makes me stop short, bite my lip, revise myself, I cannot pretend to mean this when deep down inside I am suspicious of myself. Service is not service if it is service to yourself, and let me admit that this has been me, lately. I've been playing the piano for the aesthetics of it, at best it is a detached sort of tinkering with the music to achieve a certain effect, at worst it is just a stage an audience for my theatrics, a chance to prove myself; This disgusts me, about myself, how I have perverted this thing called worship, by not bothering to try and understand. I can't remember the last time I worshipped with my heart, I think to some extent I've given up on the heart of worship because it is so difficult, takes too much work, takes too much honesty with myself that I haven't been able to bear, lately. I don't know, the entire thinking about university thing the entire focusing on my studies thing has made me revise my standards, my values, and now I'm in this limbo space of not knowing what the heck it is that I stand for, anymore. Where I can find meaning in my life, I hate to use this phrase, because I am sick of being melodramatic, but I guess I can't run away from it. So, so answer me some questions, what does this institution stand for? What do Christians stand for? So how much of it is the standard we strive for and how much of it is the utter depravity inside of us that we cannot run away from? So, so how can I worship if I'm not sure if I even believe in the idea of worship, anymore?

It occurs to me that Christianity never used to be this pigeon-holeable thing called religion, to me. If truth is truth it is worth fighting for, it is worth living and dying for, literally, and that's what people throughout history have done, that's what conviction does, gives you meaning, gives you a certainty you can't explain. I want that back but I am not sure, anymore; I don't feel a guilt trip, I don't feel ashamed of my doubts, but what I do want are some answers. And not a Christian habit, not a Sunday-morning routine, not just a comfortably Christian community (I know we will never be perfect - that is not the point. This should never be an excuse.) What I want to know, is, do you believe, and how do you believe, and why do you believe, and what do you believe? And, and so, so What are the by-products of conviction? What comes beyond the knowing of the model answers, knowing of the way you feel?

It occurs to me. At the end of the day, with my all my ambivalence, I am still a Christian. And though I put my fists up and want to fight even my own faith, it is not with the purpose of abandoning it, it is because I want something more real than the half-baked whatever I am living now. This is still something that resonates with me, this is still a community that I have meaningfully invested in and will probably continue to do so; When I take all the complicatedness away, this is still a community that I care for, and not just because of the people. But I, I would like the answers.