Thursday, October 19, 2006 // 1:53 AM

Clarity

So, I've kinda semi-made a decision, to go to Australia after all, for University. At least I am considering it. Actually this is pending, this is pending the chance that I get into an Ivy or at least a really good Liberal Arts College (Which people tell me I'd love, for artsy-fartsy-ness, among other things), which I'd still go to instead for sheer opportunity. I haven't yet admitted this to Ma, that I'm thinking ever so seriously about it, and I think she'd be overjoyed. But the Right Now consequence of this new option is that I don't feel like studying anymore, and cannot bring myself to, because I am not shooting out for that much. Since Melbourne U is not so terribly difficult to get into.

Hello, Academia: It's been so long, that we've been at this, I really don't care anymore. I just want this to be over, I want my life back, I want to live and laugh and love and feel like someone more than just half alive. Today we talked about the plans to be made, after all this is behind us, I want to make a list, sometime soon, I want to do something to prevent all that glorious time from slipping through my fingers. I'm glad, I'm glad for clarity come one step closer, I'm glad for the realisation that I am not determined by humanz ambitions, that I can take and leave what I want and what I don't, respectively. Clarity, clarity because there are different value systems and you choose the one that resonates with you, clarity because you make for yourself the decisions of what kind of person you want to be, what kind of life you want to live, and no one- no individual or community or institution- can ever make you do something you don't want to.

(The only things that you can't run away from are the practical realities, but I'm getting used to the idea, and most people live through it, in one way or another.)

So, what am I expecting, what is it I want, hello World and The Rest Of My Life, unfold before me, stretch out for my inspection. Really, what I really really want is love, and my artsy-fartsy-ness.I really want to do theatre, maybe this is just because I haven't done enough of it to hate it yet, maybe I haven't suffered enough frustration or prima donna bitchiness. But I'll take a chance with it, because I find it fascinating, because of skill involved, I want to be, ambition takes this form of talent, and whether I am good enough an actress or not is quite irrelevant to the way I feel, right now. Ask me in a while, maybe, when I can't get any roles I want, when I've discovered that actors are just pawns for the directors to move around, to make or break; perhaps I will feel different. But right now, I think of the day jobs, desk jobs, and it is not that I am dismayed, because I will be happy enough.

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice (Proverbs 12: 15); Right now, it occurs to me that I wish I had taken advice, about the things done in my life. There is a lot of uneccessary pain I didn't have to put myself through, alot of choices that could have been so much better made had I taken some advice. My refusal to heed advice, in fact my very deliberate turning in the other direction is partly a manifestation of this desire to be my own person, to make own decisions, but I think it is close to the time where I need to put the childishness aside.

And I've discovered something about friends, and what they are, and what they're worth. And how few they really are, how precious few, but a person doesn't really need a heck lot of close enough friends, to get by. There is no way to fake it, really, there is no way to conjure up a fake closeness that might fool anyone at all, from inside, and there is no point trying to do so because all it protects is a bit of face and a lifestyle of unapproachable loneliness. I am not interested in the way it may seem, right now. So this is dedicated to the people whom I love and care about, who have shared with me lives and who have done my the honour of honesty. There is nothing more I could ask for.