Tuesday, October 03, 2006 // 12:22 AM

Grapple

I find myself newly unable to articulate myself. To articulate anything. It is strange, I don't like this, the silence in my head that is flat and mundane and feeling nothing. The numbness is boring, the saying nothing is boring, and the boring is not only boring, it's frightening and frustating and I want to get away from it. I want to go to school largely too because there are people there, people who talk and laugh and say things and that makes me happy. People with lives and interests and who share my liking for media consumption, people who are not studying too much or too little, and who will still probably all do well anyway.

And not being able to articulate myself is a very bad thing also because of the 26 essays that I will be writing in a bout a month's time, the 26 essays the 91 sides that will determine my future, or rather will determine the process that will determine my future, or rather will determine the process that represents me stepping into my future. The word future has never seemed so scary before, I think really I should calm down and stop seeing things in the utmost extreme. Because I have a sneaking suspicion that all my current anxiety about this particular panic-inducing f word in my life is a little bit of an over-reaction. Please.

And I want so much to say, sorry for the way I have been, sorry for the things I have said. Maybe you make the excuses for me in your head, maybe you accept that this is what I am like, but I won't, I don't want to, it is not a person I want to be. The foot in mouth, all the time, my way with words and how I abuse them, what I have been blessed with and how I have taken it for granted, I apologize. I apologize because I should know better, I am just old enough, and yet not so old that I should be jaded, unsympathetic, like I have been, of late. You wouldn't tell from the way I have been acting that I know exactly how you feel. I don't have a right to be irritated or judgemental, because of how much I have been given, how much I have gotten away with.

So I've been thinking about Law, Studying Law, versus Studying Psych, or English; I've been thinking about the why that Fong said, when I told her that I'm probably going to do law. I've been thinking of what a sell-out it represents, I'v been thinking about how I can find no other reason to do law other than that the money is good. I've been thinking about how much I will hate it, actually, public law and criminal law and etc, the entire process, don't even talking about the practice. Because. Because the institution, the macro view of society, its impersonality, obliterates the human being which I am so fascinated with, and. And I don't think I'd like that very much, and I'm also the sort of person who's worldview, who's social people-view is very much influenced by the intellectual processes that I am put through, I can't really deny that. And with Psych perhaps this is a greater danger, I don't want to turn into a walking attempt to capture everyone else in words and ideas and psychological theories. (Like someone I know, should know: I really don't agree with you.) I don't know, this fairy cloud that it feels like, the burning question of then what, after uni, that I'd stutter and stumble to answer. By the end of the week I am going to have to give myself an anwer.

And I'm seriously thinking of going to Australia, next year. The reason I have fought so hard against it so far is that I don't want to have it forced down my throat, it's little more than a gag reflex and the fear that one concession will see me headed in a direction I have not really thought through. But okay, Yes I have an Australian PR, Yes I have a house in Melbourne and a sister in Sydney, and parents who will be leaving this Thursday to check out said house and make it liveable. Said house is next to a platypus conservation park, or something like that, which is a funny though, I cannot imagine. I cannot imagine living there, but I cannot imagine living here, either, after family has gone. Already it dominates conversations and considerations, already there is a bitterness at the second generation's stubborn refusal to trot down there like good filial children, already the physical home I have around me collapses into boxes sealed with duct tape and labelled for Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

There is only so much says:
but they're going off for a week
There is only so much says:
they're taping up the stuff in my house now
new york, new york says:
:|
new york, new york says:
this doesnt sound real
new york, new york says:
NOOO ELLA
im going to tie u to the tree in ur frontyard
new york, new york says:
do u have a tree in ur frontyard i can tie u to?

This was very amusing. Sigh, oh well, and love <3

I hope I will do all the things I have wanted to do, next year. Because it is an opportunity like no other, and also because the lolling around for 8 months straight will kill me with a boredom that I might not even be able to muster up enough energy to dispel.