Saturday, October 14, 2006 // 12:41 AM

I haven't been honest with myself in a very long time. I miss myself, I hate myself. I hate how I'm melodramatic and yet ever so contemptuous on so many different counts. I want meaning, I'm judgemental as heck and I don't know how to be different. I wish I didn't feel the way I feel right now, the now knowing why not knowing why not knowing why.

List because I'm too tired to elaborate, but don't want to lose what I'm half-learning
1) I've been taking Ma for granted. Living with Michael as a housemate has made me realise how much she indulges me.
2) Mike can be sweet sometimes. He drove all the way down to school today to drop off my file and it really surprised me. But I'm thankful. I love my brother even though I would never admit this to him hurhur.
3) Family is ever so important.
4) Stand up for what you believe in.
5) I've gotten pretty vulgar. It's the norm to me, but there is a standard. This goes for a lot of things, really.
6) I've been thinking about what Lincoln said, about how he knows that at this stage in his life he cares more about the superficial than about things like character, so he's made a decision to wait until it's the other way around, to even start thinking about getting attached.
7) I am so theatrical I don't know who I am.
8) I am sick of being known as angsty, melodramatic, etc etc etc. I hate being trivialised like that, it makes me want to be extremely violent.
9) Now I am purely functional, and nothing else. I can imagine living my entire life like this, a series of events, I don't think I'd kill myself because it is not really that bad, there are cheap thrills enough to go around. But, but it's not enough, but something, something's missing.
10) The defences, I wish they weren't necessary.
11) What I long for:

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'lll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's acheiving
Our future glory.