Sunday, November 12, 2006 // 11:38 PM

Exams, but:

1) It's spectacular how vacant my mind has been, lately. It is not that I haven't been studying, rather, it is that I have been studying, and there is nothing more brainless, sometimes. In some ways I'm glad I didn't start too early because I'd be bored out of my skull right now, and when I read things that I don't find interesting, it puts me to sleep and I don't remember them. But also, the boredom I find in my life right now translates into my mind going all over the place and having very damaging thoughts. I've discovered that I can't Not Engage Myself, because it's just not healthy, I really believe that. Throughout the days I keep telling myself not to succumb to self-pity and the reminder that part of the crappiness I feel is purely circumstancial/situational has been some sort of a hopeful comfort.

2) I can't write for nuts. I hate this, that my vocabulary has fallen to bits. I want to read and exactly what I mean, not this voluminous regurgitation. I hope to wake up tomorrow for my shakespeare paper in a fit of brilliance.

3) And we played in the rain, that day, when the rooftop garden flooded to mid-calf, splashing around like overgrown children, it made me happy like nothing else. Because I like wreckless abandon, innocuous sorta (I only thought about the getting sick after that), but I've yet to find someone who will commit as wholeheartedly to fun as I want to, sometimes. Though they gave in after a while.

4) What was interesting today: snippets of gender conversations, Brandon articulating, and Joel's I think I'll never understand girls. Which was amusing, which I like, actually, sitting down and realising the difference. And trying to empathize.

5) Empathize: this whole A level thing has drawn me closer to my batch, because, really, they are the only people who understand. People like Kinyip try and I'm grateful for effort, but it's just not the same. There is nothing quite as comforting as knowing that you aren't alone, at the end of the day.

6) Empathize: This may be my last bout of Literature exams, because I'm half disillusioned with Literature and am unlikely to do it in University. Honestly, what I want to do is to go to theatre school but that dream is just so far fetched as to be beyond real consideration. Utilitarian, Lit just doesn't seem useful, beyond a certain point, never mind that it comes easy, never mind that it's still a deep-rooted interest. Theatre seems to be my way of making it real.

7) Working with Tim and Selena for worship has been a very interesting experience, because of their fixation with precision. In some ways it shows me the value of formal training that I've only started to really think about this year, and I want to put myself through the process because I've long felt like I've hit a brick wall where my music is concerned. As a musician I'm fascinated to encounter an entirely new style in the form of Tim's playing, and while I listen I take and keep what I like, and discard what I don't, and it's made me that much more self-aware of my own personal style. In my head I am Jewel Kilcher, raw and personal; I am a closet guitarist and it is that rhythm back and forth in my head, but after a few hours of trying and listening yesterday I could play completely unlike myself, and that was interesting. The next thing I want to do is fix is the technicality, my ritard fingers that just cannot do the things I want them to, in my head.