Sunday, November 05, 2006 // 9:19 PM

Make Or Break

Nervous: break out the laughing fits and angsty music, the melodrama the hyperbole. There was a gorgeous blue sky, and a moment I might have died for, previously, under A Different Set Of Circumstances. Even with one eye on the clock I can tell, this is gorgeous weather.

Anxiety: because the hours ahead are stacked up, back to back, in front of me on a piece of paper, this will take. A lot of adrenalin, to kick start and maintain, this will need. A lot of pep talks and soothing music, to survive, to live through, and Make instead of Break. Anything close to a nervous breakdown right now would be fatal, as would falling sick.

I haven't stopped kicking myself over GP. I still don't want to talk about it. It is the worse when you know exactly what you have to do, exactly what is required of you, and then you don't do it.

The. The Depressed Of Late has various reasons, and I don't know which one is really it. I love sitting here and talking about it like it will be over, soon, that I will feel happier, because from the inside of my head it sure does not feel like it, has not felt like it. Talk to me, in soothing voices, tell me how I will be A-Okay, tell me how you'll be home and again, and I'll be whole again. Like that is all it takes, another good conversation, a hug and enough hand-holding to feel like someone understands. I hate to admit to the sneaking suspicions, so I will fill my mouth with these inane and mundane words and tell myself to study, to wait it out, that this space is not forever.

So I was thinking, about how I won't know what to do with myself, after the A's. It's been so long that I already feel the whutsthemeaningofmylife, and etc etc etc. I hate what I see of myself, but there is no time to sit down and talk and think about it. Today in the middle of congregational singing I suddenly thought about how I haven't drawn for very very very long. Or written, or etc etc etc. Find myself, after the A's, what I was like, what might make me feel alive. I can see myself watching a lot of movies and spending a lot of money on productions.

I want to do something wreckless, right now, because it would make me smile, because i would give me something nice to remember, from this time of my life. Because it sure as heck would calm me down, to dye my hair green, tomorrow, or something. I want Kevin to come online right now so that we can insult each other for the last ten minutes I'm allowed to be online, because that would make me happy, to have him be the witty sort of pinata.